Communication is really simple isn’t it? I talk -you listen. Then you talk – I listen.
But, have you ever been in a situation when you are talking and the person you are talking to clearly wasn’t listening to a word you said? Can you remember what that was like?
Listening and paying attention to what your team members, clients, or colleagues are saying, are the two greatest ways to build trusting working relationships. It’s also the number one mistake new, enthusiastic “leaders” and “coaches” often make. Even if their intention is good.
So where does it all go wrong?
The problem is, we are deafened by the internal conversations and the pre-conceived ideas we have already formed which prevent us from clearly hearing what another person is saying. We become too focused on our own agenda, on our own “stuff” eg “are we good enough?; ” “What if I don’t understand?;” “The answer is….” ; “this is my great idea!” etc, etc,etc
Let’s be clear, we all make assumptions and get pre-occupied, and that’s life. But it does sometimes interfere with effective communication which leads to a massive potential for misunderstandings and havoc that waste time, energy, and money.
The good news is, the symptoms can be easily resolved and it’s pretty straight forward.
You need to know:
- What to pay attention to
- Why it’s important to accept and understand that people think and communicate differently
- How to be flexible with your own “stuff”
In other words you need to be able to solve the People Puzzle. When you do that, you will be able to:
Deliver a powerful message that instantly communicates to people “you are important and valued”
Become a Master Rapport Builder, and create trusting relationships, leading to less stress and tension.
Engage in meaningful conversations that drive change and results.
Command more repsect, get more recognition, and have better relationships with anyone, anywhere.
By listening and paying attention we are showing interest and most people warm to someone who is showing them interest. Without saying a single word, effective listening shows the other person that you think they are important and that you value them ( assuming that you do!).
Ask yourself: What do you know about your team members? What’s important to them? What would they like to have happen that would improve their working life? What would happen if you listened to your colleagues as carefully as you listen to your clients or patients?
Start listening to what your team members are saying. Pay them the compliment of your full attention and reap the benefit of their trust and respect.
To get started today here are a few of my favourite listening tips I use with my clients which can be found in my forthcoming ebook ” The Clean Approach In Coaching -How To Ask Clean Questions With Ease” - due out in March 2012.
Try these tips out at work this week or whenever you’re having a conversation with a client, a colleague or friend. Try them at home too – what could be better than giving your loved ones the gift of your undivided attention.
1/ Clear your mental clutter and put your attention on what the other person is actually saying rather than trying to work out what you are going to say in reply.
2/ Breathe out and let go of any tension you may have. Say to yourself “calm and quiet” to allow space within yourself for listening.
3/ “Soft focus” your eyes to take in the whole person, rather than looking intensly into the eyes of the other person. (Be aware of cultural differences about eye contact). If the person you’re listening to looks away that just shows they are thinking. Wait and be there when they look back at you( ie not reading notes or looking at your watch!). A trained Clean Facilitator might follow their gaze.
4/ Give them time to think. Don’t interrupt or be impatient for your chance to talk. Resist the urge to fill any silences. Some of you will find this easier than others!
5/ Set your personal agenda aside, by being naturally curious and interested – let go of that feeling that you need to know all the answers (or indeed that you do know all the answers!).
6/Notice where your internal stuffometer is pointing – towards their stuff or your stuff?
7/Know your own best state for listening so that you can get into that state whenever you wish – by asking yourself the clean question – when you’re listening at your best… you’re ….like …what?
Warm wishes
Angela
